COACH SEZ HIT THE SHOWERS!: INCREDIBLE HERCULES #128

It takes a bit for a comic to offend me sufficiently that I'm willing to comment on the artistic skill of the creators. However, sometimes you can only go so far before someone has to call bullshit. These panels in Incredible Hercules #128 fulfill that requirement.

Now it's not the fact that it is Wolverine's crapass son Daken that is the problem here. For those that don't know Daken is Wolverine's long lost and recently discovered son. His powers have been vaguely defined in that apparently by means of exuded pheromones he can be where you are not looking. Other than that he's got the typical Wolverine family healing factor, pretty nasty fighting skills, and of course claws. However, one of his claws comes out from the BOTTOM of his wrist rather than the top. And they're black and naturally sort-of metallic (what?). WOOOOO!

Now, all that aside, the problem here is even though he is stabbing the Greek God of the Netherworld Pluto (6' 5"/520 lbs.) through the chest with only two of his badass Lee Press-Ons, ignoring the fact that they've been miscolored white, is that the friggin' things are about 2.5 to 3 feet long. And where's that third "underclaw" living in that arm? I'll tell you where, in his ass.

The sheer physics of the things are totally impossible. Who has a three-foot forearm to fit those things in? The Hulk maybe. Not Daken. He's actually kinda shrimpy even by Wolverine standards being all skinny and Euro-trash with his tribals and long-ass mowhawk and bad daddy-issues attitude. Absolute and utter fail Marvel Comics and artist Dietrich Smith. D+. Try harder.

BEST OF THE STACK - JACK OF FABLES #33

OK, so I'm a broken record. Bite me. While holed up at a diner, Jack ponders what to do next while waiting for someone from Fabletown to meet up with him on the whole Literals issue. Snow and Bigby show up and it doesn't take long before Jack pisses Mr. Wolf off. Bigby totally hands Jack his ass in this issue. Gotta love that. Afterwards, the Pathetic Fallacy becomes enamored with Bigby! Oh the betrayl! Jack's pissed and maybe even hurt by this!

Then, there's a bit on Jack's kid (unbeknownst to him I believe) from back when he banged the Snow Queen where the boy puts two and two together to become Jack Frost. He's sure to mess something up big time. Fun to ensue. I love this crossover event. Cant wait for more.

Marvel's offerings were good this week as well. Mighty Avengers #24 was a blast. They're actually doing stuff like fight giant monsters, not just sit around eating Chinese food poorly drawn by Mr. Tan. Amazing Spiderman #592 continues to be fun and interesting, can't complain. Incredible Hercules #128 is so ridiculous it's good. A very good week - and I haven't even read Marvels: Eye of the Camera #5 yet. Looks beautiful though. As always. Jay Anacleto's pencils are outta hand.

FAIL OF THE WEEK THOR - #601

I believe the alternate cover to #601 shown here sums it all up:

Even Thor is fucking bored.

This book has been a wee bit disappointing as of late. He's barely in the book. Thor rarely smashes anything either. Basically just sits around a campfire being bummed about the dying Sif while Loki tries to get Asgard moved to Latveria. They should call the book Loki and the Hobo Kingdom and be done with it. Also, why is this $3.99 while most of the rest of my comparably sized Marvel books still $2.99? That's some bullshit. Thor, pick it up or get bent, I'm snorin' here.

PANEL EYE GAME OF THE WEEK

This one was sorta subtle, but it totally took away from the moment once my backwards brain zeroed in on it. Do ya see it? It's on the 3 panel wide strip that's been in the making for awhiles now - where Sharon Carter finally breaks through Dr. Faustus' brain conditioning and realizes that she was pregnant with Cap's baby and lost said baby during a knife fight with Sin wherein the evil spawn of the Red Skull knifed the fucking baby in Sharon's gut - yeah, that shocking, emotional scene.

I just couldn't take my eyes off that one ice cube that manages to slip the bounds of physics one moment and then go back into the realm of reality the next. I know how it's supposed to be, since the shot is low to the ground looking up to the bottom up to her face and the glass is transparent. I get it. But still the stupid optical zig-zag messes with me. Perhaps it's part of the cosmic cube and it's choosing to be seen as it wishes, how it wishes, when it wishes.

COACH'S ENFORCER OF THE WEEK(S) - GREEN LANTERN #39

I'm back and breaking all the rules. Yeah, this book came out two weeks before this post but it's so good that it breaks the boundaries of space and time and makes itself known this week - Green Lantern #39. If you've been following my ravings lately you'll know that I've really gotten into the whole build up to Blackest Night thing that's been going on in the DC universe over the last four months or so.

This issue keeps up the pace with the introduction of the kinda creepy Orange Lanterns. It seems that these guys are so badass that the Guardians of the Universe (douchey blue fascist midgets with incalculable power who created the Green Lantern Corps, Manhunters, and other problems) cut some kind of deal with these freaks to stay in their own little sector of space and not come out billions of years ago. Unfortunately some other semi-immortal pink alien d-bags known as the Controllers seems to have broken the deal and have caused the Orange Lanterns to raise their greedy heads from the depths of the Vega System.

If that doesn't sound so bad, unfortunately it means having to deal with guys like this:

The Orange Lanterns seem to personify the emotion of greed. Greed for what hasn't been revealed yet, but if it's making the architect of the whole Blackest Night thing happy (a seemingly corrupted Guardian named Scar), then it can't be good for the universe as a whole. Artwork is very, very cool by the detailed-oriented Philip Tan. Tan seems to have taken over for the time being from the insanely good (but apparently slow) Ethan Van Sciver while he goes off to play with the new Flash: Rebirth mag.

However, there is no loss of quality for his departure to be sure and their styles are similar enough that the change is not disruptive. As I've said before, if you're reading one DC book, read two and get Green Lantern and Green Lantern Corps. Besides, when this blue biznatch starts raising dead DC superhero zombies, you won't want to miss it.

BEST OF THE STACK (1) - FABLES #83

It's a toss up this week. I couldn't decide, so I'll slap both of my faves up this week. The Fables Crossover has begun and it looks to be a big deal that'll actually have a lasting impact on the books involved. The animal Fables are up to no good in general at The Farm (killing and burying Geppetto for one) and there looks to be another rebellion brewing in the form of a new religion based on the deceased Boy Blue. It's all bad news, now that everyone is shacked up tight on The Farm since Fabletown was destroyed. And to top it all off, Jack is trying to help out by alerting the Fables about The Literals. Nothing Jack gets involved in works out well. Ever.

The phone conversation with Jack had me laugh out loud a few times. He's such a jackass. I can't wait to see him back and interacting with all the Fables again. His book is generally a riot to read and the ridiculous situations he gets in can only be that much more funny if folks like Bigby get involved. With Jack's newfound retinue of lost Fables/Literals and the weirdness that's brewing in the "Who's my Daddy?" realm, hilarious times lay ahead. At least in terms of Jack.

But at the same time, there is lotsa evil shit in the air. NYC is going to hell in a hand basket thanks to the uber evil Mr. Dark. And the more bestial Fables like Clara, Beast, and Bigby (two of whom get in a big fight) are having trouble staying under control due to something Mr. Dark emits. They could go ape and start slaying folks for no reason! All in all, great stuff.

Though Dean is done with doing covers, the new guy has his own style that is very Fairy Tale/Storybookish. I could definitely see his art in a children's book section, no problem. It's growing on me.

BEST OF THE STACK (2) - PUNISHER #4

Punisher also continues to be super duper good. I guess it's the ugly side to the bright and cheery (though dark) world of Fables that I need. So, it got high honors this week as well. The covers were cool this issue as they were both an homage to the original #1 issue from back in the day. Anyways, Rick Remender keeps pulling it off with this book. Somehow he's put Mr. Castle back in the Marvel U without it being too campy or goofy. Pitting him against The Hood is a great idea. Plus, he's writing The Hood as he should be - mean and nasty. And Remender doesn't pull any punches. Punished must've laid waste to 12 of The Hood's goons. Knives, guns, strangling, you name it. One particular goon gets blowed up real good - while wearing some ridiculous bear outfit.

Remender's dark humor (see bear explosion above) is all over the place. Especially when The Hood opens his mouth. I believe I laughed out loud a few times while reading this book as well. The writing is just spot on. The art matches the action, and the pace is breakneck.

There are some zings in the issue which are big news. The most obvious is the fact the fucking Microchip has ben resurrected (I guess The Hood can do that) and is working for The Hood against his will in a zombie fashion. I dunno. See where that leads. Lastly, Punisher is finally looking to use all that cool shit he's got laying around. He dona Ant Man's Helmet, a suspicious round shield, and a Iron Man-ish power glove in the last panel. Looks like The Punisher is gonna step it up a notch and take on/out some higher level villains. Cool deal.

This title is quickly becoming the first thing I read when I get home, beating out The Walking Dead and Hellboy related books. Quite the accomplishment!

WEEK OFF/COMIC PICK UP FAIL

I failed to clean out my comic box this week, so there'll be no best of/worst of from me. Not that anyone really cares. Next week, next week...

PANEL FAIL OF THE WEEK - CAPTAIN AMERICA COMICS #7

Though I noted a bigger fail after processing this photo (War of Kings #2 weird-ass panel split fail after the Blackbolt Robots blow up an enemy ship, go look for it) - this one is way funnier.

I wasn't sure what this comic was about or even that is was coming out. But it had Cap blasting Nazis in the face, so I grabbed it. Cool art and a simple story. But it had a back-up story in it (thus the extra dollar price hike) from back in the day. Now, it's from back in the day, so I'm just "funnin'" on this panel. Not hating on it, like it did with Mr. Tan.

Pretty self-explanitory. Cap is making sweet, sweet love to some hood after a sweaty chase across the baseball field. Oh yes Mr. Toad, time to turn in your uniform!

BEST OF THE STACK - AVENGERS INVADERS #9

This here series has done a bunch of cool stuff and had great covers by Ross. It's also done some lame stuff. But recently it's back in the rad, realm. It's crazy to explain everything going on, but this issue had some nice concepts in it.

Some doofnik soldier from WWII snatches the Cosmic Cube from Doc Strange (I think it was him) just as he was gettign ready to fix everything. Soldier guy did this so he could use it to save his buddies back in WWII. So he went back and did so. But he forgot to shield himself and got shot and dropped the cube right at Red Skull's feet.

The heroes end up in an alternate world thanks do doofus. Enter 1945ish Nazi NYC and shit's gone bad. So what's left of the Avengers/Invaders (most of them got vaporized when dude stole the cube) have to dress up as old tyme heroes so as not to draw attention to the fact that they are from the future, yada yada yada. Time to punch some Nazis.

I'm a big ol' fan of The Twelve (which has apparently disappeared from reality) and seeing the heroes dressed up as Electro and what have you from the Golden Age is a gas. Yeah, a gas. They drop a few Zepplins on a bunch of Germans and have a laugh. The best bit was having to dress Luke Cage up so his skin color wouldn't show. So, he's lamping as The Black Avenger and not stoked about it. Things are back on track in the book and heading to a hopefully, Mega Panzer/Nazi Robot fueled conclusion. A fine read this week. Though Spiderman was pretty close to being my pick.

Also, this was a great one to read on the Metro, what with all the swastikas on the cover and all.

BEST OF THE STACK - FANTASTIC FOUR #565

It was a really good week. No fails, no serious disappointments (New Avengers was pushin' it once again thanks to my buddy Mr. Billy Tan) but overall nothing but good stuff. Which made picking a favorite tough. Mighty Avengers managed to make me care again after a few issues of dullsville, Unknown Soldier was way brutal, Jack of Fables had a funny revelation, Conan is cutting things in half and Dear Billy ended in the horror we all knew it would. However I guess it wasn't really all that much of a contest once I picked up FF 565. As you can see above, the mystery critter fromt he previous issue was in fact a mega Cthulhu beast. Double-page spread of awesome followed by more great art and action. And man, it managed to end even awesomer.

After a full on battle, Sue drops a friggin' church on the mofo. Snap. Another double-page spread of total badassery. The FF has been so good since the Millar and Hitch run began and it just looks like it'll get even better. The end of this issue features a lady from the town run by the monster writing a gracious note to Sue a few months down the line. And it looks like everything has gone to shit. Doctor Doom and his mysterious evil teachers apparently wrecked some shop. Thing's fiance may bite it (surprise) and something else bad happened. What? Who knows! Next month is but 3 weeks away!